Product Review: Two Health-Food Items You Should Never Try

Posted By on Jan 16, 2013 | 5 comments

If you are a regular reader, you know that I try to eat a low-carb, high-protein sort of diet. Try is the important word to remember. I do my best to keep this ol’ bod in topish shape but there are times when a bag of tortilla chips may or may not enter my digestive system. I blame Eve of the Adam and Eve duo.

As I’ve gotten older and had to work my ass off in the gym, I’ve come to realize that carbs by way of grains aren’t my friends. They never have and never will be. They undo everything I try to accomplish with exercise, therefore, we are on a barely-speaking basis.

Because of that, I’m always on the hunt for products that are low-carb versions of my old favorites. And boy, did I think I hit the jackpot yesterday!

This is what I found in the natural food section of my local Hy-Vee:

Low-carb bread

I KNOW! You can see right on the label of what wooed me to purchase this little loaf of long-forgotten. And yes, you read the label right. It has only 4 grams of carbs and a whopping 16 grams of protein per slice! Woot woot!

I could not WAIT to have a piece of toast for breakfast!!!

I made my usual eggs with veggies (today was red peppers and spinach) and I made my cute little itty-bitty carb piece of bread.

This brings me to item #2.

Veggie cheese

I bought this to go on my eggs because I have been addicted lately to shaved parmesan cheese I get from Costco and I thought I would try to cut back on the unhealthy fats that cheese so generously provides.

I sprinkled a bit of this on my omelet then, oh, so happily placed said omelet on top of my new best food friend, Mr. Smart Carb toast. And my taste test results?

Let me put it to you this way, if you enjoy chewing the rubber sole off your shoe with a heavy scent of smelly feet, this meal is right up your alley.

That’s exactly what this meal was like. My lightly toasted bread was like chewing rubber. It had the weirdest consistency and the taste was blah as well. And guess where the smelly feet part comes in? I know, I know, you’re thinking “Well, Hallie, parmesan cheese sort of has a funky odor.” And yes, I would agree with you.

But this veggie cheese made regular parmesan cheese smell like a double chocolate cupcake in comparison. I have eaten quite a few unsavory things in my day for the sake of health but even I could not stomach this meal. I barely got halfway through before I threw it out.

I’m so bummed. These were supposed to be like cheating without the cheating. So I’m back to no toast and a dash of regular parm.

No bread or “fake” cheese is worth what I just put my taste buds through.

Any food purchases you regretted after the first bite?





  1. Oh poor girl… I recall trying all kinds of those “alternatives” when I was doing some restrictive diets to ID food allergies. I had many a slice of shoe-rubber bread, myself, before deciding it was all or nothing. Fake mayo, fake cheese, fake bread … it’s all just that: fake-tasting. I tried for awhile to eat Shiritake (a replacement for spaghetti), and I did ok… but woo wee… kind of rubbery. Have you had it? It’s not horrible. But, of course, it’s not the ‘real thing.’

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    • I have tried that and I would rather skip noodles than eat that again, too! The thing with the bread I bought is that it was all natural stuff but just didn’t make good bread. It was wheat protein isolate, then a bunch of crazy grain flours, egg whites and not much else. I will have to just skip the bread, like usual, and stop hoping for a miracle. 🙂 The Gracious Pantry blog does a great job of giving clean recipes but she still has yet to come up with a low-carb bread. It is what it is, I guess.

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  2. Ugh, fake stuff! I agree–you’re better off with a light sprinkling of real cheese. You’ll get the flavor you want and you won’t end up using as much. So go ahead and use the best cheese you can find. If you’re going to indulge (and a sprinkling isn’t much, anyway), you might as well enjoy it. Not much point to eating otherwise.

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  3. Ha!! Too funny! What if I DO like rubber sole? Just kidding.

    What are your thoughts on Ezekial bread? I love it. Not sure on the carb count there.

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    • Ezekial had been my go-to until I just cut out bread all together. The carb count for those are around 15-17 grams of carbs per slice. It was just too much. They are a great choice though for a wholesome and clean grain to add to your diet. Maybe inventing a protein source disguised as bread is my true calling because apparently I’m obsessed with it. 🙂

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