Last Friday, I wrote a post that included two truths and a lie. I wanted a fun blog post (I’d been on a serious kick for a while) but to also highlight some other bloggers I love through my own version of blog tag. I hope you guys follow the trail and get to know some more wonderful people out in the world.
But back to my two truths and a lie. Let’s work our way backwards from my last post.
Truth: I can eat the gross Bean Boozled jelly beans (from Jelly Belly) without gagging.
I never knew I had it in me until we played a little game one evening after a long day of skiing on spring break. We were vacationing with another family and the kids pulled out this box of jelly beans, called Bean Boozled. There are two flavors for each color, one good and one gross. We went around the table and blindly reached in the bowl of beans, not sure which it would be. The first couple of rounds I lucked out with juicy pear. The gross flavor would’ve been booger. Sure enough, after watching everyone else gag, spit, and wail at how gross their flavor was (moldy cheese was among the worst offenders), I knocked back skunk, barf, and stinky socks like I was the crowned champ of Fear Factor. No gag, no facial expression, no spitting it out. I can chew without flinching and not that it’s a proud skill to have, I impressed my children for one brief moment in time.
We didn’t have a fancy spinner but if you think you are up to the challenge, you can try it at home. It’s a barrel of laughs to watch your friends suffer through skunk butt and canned dog food. Add a few cocktails and you just might pee yourself. What? Everyone’s doing it. (You’ll see. Keep reading.)
Dear God, are you crazy?! This is a lie times 1,000!! I HATED spiders growing up. If I ever came across one, large or not small enough, I would cower in the corner screaming for my mom to come kill it. I’ve realized since that they were put on this earth for a reason so instead of stomping them to death, I do a catch and release method with two cups and a quick toss out the door. I still don’t love them but respect their purpose, which is not in my house.
How every spider looked to me:
This little girl clearly has more guts than I did at her age because even the fake ones creeped me out. This would have put me over the edge.
Truth: I’ve peed myself more than once (toddler years excluded).
While I’m sure I peed myself at various points in my childhood, I’m revealing the ones where I knew better. So here we go.
Back in my preteen years, my parents had family friends over for dinner and they had two sons, a little bit older than my sister and I. One of them, Jay, was absolutely hilarious and was constantly doing impersonations, telling jokes, and other belly laugh antics. Whenever our families got together, the chances were great that I would snort or spew something from my nose or mouth. Well, not this day. I went bigger. We, the kids, were all sitting at our tiny kitchen table (our parents were clinking away at our basement bar), swiveling back and forth on the egg yolk yellow vinyl puffy chairs and white (plastic?) table. I was probably on my third or fourth pop (soda for you non-midwesterners) when Jay said something in which I could no longer contain myself, in more ways than one. I guffawed and hooted then peed myself, right there in front of two adorable teenage boys whom I was going to see again many more times throughout my teenage years.
I ran to my room holding my crotch, still laughing, with a trail of hooting behind me as they realized what I had done. Normally, I would’ve been mortified but Jay was like a brother by this time in our lives and I’m pretty sure he loved the fact that he made me laugh so hard I peed.
We were in Florida on a family vacation doing the whole Disney World experience. I believe we were going to dinner one evening and encountered a bit of traffic along the way. Due to the extra time in the car, my sister and I had to pee really bad so my dad pulled over to a gas station, much to his displeasure since “we just left the hotel!”. While he make use of the extra time by gassing up our conversion van, we bolted for the restroom, determined to beat the other. This was a one bathroom gas station which was located on the outside (gotta love those) which my sister got to first. She did let me in rather than make me stand outside to pacing in public–so thoughtful of her!–but as I paced the small room, she laughed at my discomfort. She may or may not have exerted herself during her fit of laughter with a nice rumble in the toilet. While I’m sure I was a very mature teen at the time, when someone accidentally rattles the toilet from a fart, it’s just too funny. However, very inconvenient when you have to pee so bad your bladder feels like a water balloon ready to burst. And burst it did. I tried to make to the sink but all I managed to do was soak my underwear. Thank God I had on a skirt so the underwear went into the trash and I made my dad drive all the way back to the hotel so I could change. I blamed girl problems so he dropped the subject y.
I can only blame myself for this one. And the guy who poured me gin and tonics the night before my wedding. We had our rehearsal dinner with family and friends and after the meal, we had a trolley take us downtown to celebrate the upcoming nuptials. Rather than go home at a decent hour, like most brides do, I wanted to spend time with all of our friends who had traveled to come celebrate our special day. I didn’t eat much at dinner (you know where this is going) so when I decided to have a gin and tonic or two, they hit and hit hard. I do not remember the trolley ride home and ended up spending the night in my parent’s hotel room. My dad got kicked out to the pull-out couch but worse, my mom woke up in a wet bed. What…the…hell? Of all my college shenanigans, none resulted in bed wetting. Did I mention the pour heavy bartender? Thank gawd for McDonald’s cheeseburger meal deal.
I know this doesn’t paint me in a good light but I’m not here to pretend to be someone else or seek approval. I’m just keeping it real and the straight up truth. My midwest charm, perhaps? 😉
(Sidenote: I felt like my old self as by the time I walked down the aisle. Something to say about being fresh out of college with a young liver!)
Exhibit 4, 5, 6, etc:
If I’ve drank any amount of water prior to any sort of jumping, I piddle. This one I get to blame on my children. This includes jumping rope, trampoline jumping, jumping jacks, etc. I have to use the restroom IMMEDIATELY before jumping activity or it’s a definite piddle party.
So there you have it! My two truths and a lie.
I tagged Julia Munroe Martin in my last post but in case you haven’t popped over there yet, please go check her out!