Choosing to Feel Differently
I have been struggling with some heavy feelings lately. I’ve been feeling everything from overwhelm, annoyance, fear, sadness, loneliness, like I’m suffocating and even panic. The other day the kids were arguing, our puppy was into everything, my husband was handing out orders like a drill sergeant, the refrigerator needed a major cleaning, and I was doing zero writing or AWED life work. All I wanted to do was bolt out the door and not look back. Legit, I wanted to run away from home.
I love my people hard but I thrive on my “me time”. I like my space, time alone to think, get things done on my own schedule, and not answering to anyone as to what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. Everything feels supercharged, like the smallest movements of my people feel like a herd of elephants charging at me and I have nowhere to run.
We’ve been out of quarantine since June but we aren’t living anywhere near how we used to. For the first time since March, I actually went into a coffee shop this week and did some writing. It felt weird but I needed it so badly. My husband’s been working from the house since December 2018 and I’m not okay. He changed from an outside sales job which he’d been doing for 20 years to a sales management role and much to his dislike, his job became a series of conference calls, projects, and a gazillion emails. He was miserable yet had to stay in the job a year in order to retain a significant signing bonus.
We bought another desk for the bedroom but after a while, he realized he was hardly leaving our room and his mental health went downhill. So we changed things ups. He took over my office by the kitchen and I moved my things upstairs. And then my mental health went downhill. I liked my little office with my corner chair and ottoman when I read, my pictures on the walls, my books and journals on the shelves, and my dog at my feet. It was my little corner of solace. But I dealt with it and tried to get out of the house as much as possible.
We got through that horrible year and I was ecstatic when he left that job and got hired back into another sales role. It meant he was going to be out of the house and I would get back to my daily routine. Then quarantine hit. All of his calls became Zoom meetings, phone calls and emails. Again. I had been so looking forward to getting things back to normal. I wanted my office back, to get back to creating my wellness brand/business, and to go about caring for my family at the pace I work best. All of that was gone.
Fast forward to this past September. My husband’s new job and the company he work for dissolved. It wasn’t profitable enough for them to keep their North American operations going so they shuttered it. He has been job hunting and interviewing for the past seven weeks which means he’s still at home. God, help me. I absolutely love my husband but we need time and distance apart so we can miss each other! Does anyone else feel me on this?!
Now, on top of all this, my boys were virtual students for the month of September and switched to hybrid in October. We also have a puppy. This all requires me to be close to home and at everyone’s disposal. And I don’t want to anymore.
Do all of these feelings make me a bad wife and mother? God, I hope not. But I do know it makes me an unhappy one. I know I should feel grateful our financial situation that I can be at home with my people and work on my writing and business. But, honest to God, I looked into Instacarting just so I could be alone and out of the house. Even that didn’t work out.
Like he always does, my husband called me out on my obvious unhappiness (when I’m not okay, I have a hard time hiding it) and I finally shared how I felt. He’s always called me out on my bullshit which is why we’re probably still together. I was raised Passive Aggressive so his “calling bullshit” has probably been the secret to our 23 year marriage. As much as I feel a natural lean towards clamming up and throwing darts, I don’t want to be that person. But I have to fight that tendency every day.
So when all of these tough emotions hit my max capacity last week, I knew I needed to do something. First, I had a talk with my husband about how I was feeling. I went on a walk with my dogs. I listened to my Spotify playlists. I read and journaled. I also prayed. I changed the essential oils in my diffuser to my tried and true mood lifters. I watched a few episodes of Schitt’s Creek. I went to bed early. I dressed normal clothes and went to lunch by myself.
When I pulled out the tools I knew I needed and my mindset totally changed. I didn’t stop using them until I felt better. I think I ended up in that downward spiral in the first place was because I hadn’t been using those tools on a regular basis so no wonder I felt like crap.
What I know for sure is that how I feel is a choice. I can choose to be down in the dumps or I can choose to change my mind. I know this isn’t an easy thing to do as anxiety and depression are very, very tough things to deal with for so many people. It may require therapy or possibly some heavier lifting. But that’s not where I was or am. Well, that’s a lie. I probably do need therapy because, hell, who doesn’t? We’re all carrying around some stuff around that we shouldn’t. Childhood traumas, debilitating illnesses, parenting challenges, marriage frustrations, mental roadblocks…we all have ‘em.
But I can choose to identify what’s wrong and take steps to fix it or I can choose to stay in despair and wallow. I can choose to move my body to reset my mind or I can choose to binge watch Netflix and eat my bodyweight in buttery popcorn. I can choose to reach out to a friend or I can choose to hold it all in. I can choose to read books or listen to podcasts to gain perspective or I can numb out scrolling through social media.
Not going to lie, going to the gym when I feel sad is hard. But often the thing I need to do is exactly the opposite of what I want to do. When I want to lay in bed and ignore my responsibilities, I know getting up and heading to the gym or for a long walk is exactly what I need to do. It never fails to gets me in a different frame of mind.
In the moment, though, when I am at the moment of choosing, it can be like trying to peel myself away from the walls of that puke machine, the Barrel of Fun. (Remember that carvinal ride?! Ugh, I feel nauseous just typing that.) It’s so much easier to just let inertia do its thing. But when I do the exact opposite, when I pull myself away from the forces trying to pull me down, I lift away from the negativity, the anxiety, the anger, or the self-doubt. And what I’ve learned is that my effort is usually always rewarded.
The things I reach for to pull myself out of negative emotions are music, exercise, journaling, meditating, reading, long walks, a bath with essential oils and epsom salt, a dance party for one (when I find myself alone at home!), watching a funny movie/show, having coffee or lunch with a friend, and driving down a country road with the perfect playlist.
If I don’t change my state of emotions, there is a zero percent chance that I will live the life I have envisioned for myself. I’ve already missed out on so much time already that I refuse to give up on that vision.
Choosing to feel better is never easy but it’s always a choice.
What are you struggling with right now?
What’s helping?
What continues to hold you back?
I’d love to know. Truly.